Total

Have you ever wondered what pure %100 whole wheat looks and tastes like? Me too but I presume Total is it.

It's also %100 Calcium and %100 Nutrition. Through analogies we can conclude that wheat, nutrition, and calcium are all equal to each other but maybe my math is a little off. Or maybe General Mills's math is the fishy one.

Regardless, after diligent research I've discovered that the creators of Total cereal, no other than Mr. Charles Total and his 5 children, set out one fateful day to create the most bland cereal possible.

They would have succeeded too if Rebeca Cheerios, Snap, Crackle, and Pop never came along with their own bland cereals.

Seriously though, Total is like the celery of cereals. It's so healthy you're likely to be burning up more calories (and whatever else were not suppose to be eating in this weightophobic society) than you pick up from eating it.

Further proof of Total's lack of pizazz can be seen right on the box art. General Mills has such little faith in the stand alone taste of Total that they chose to depict it with berries for added flavor. Either that or they designed total as a sort of accompaniment cereal to fruits which still reinforces the notion of blandness. Whatever. I can imagine that this actually tastes pretty good when you're feeling bloated...or constipated.

No prize or fun puzzles on this box btw, just boring adults doing unexciting adult things, i.e. trying to eat their way to good health.

Kudos.

Rich Chocolaty Chex Mix

Another post from the grandparents house.


Chex mix and its many incarnations are pretty amazing when you think about it. On one hand, there's the standard salty version, while on the other there's the sweet and salty variety. Of course there's also regular boring ass plain Chex cereal too but the world needs stuff like that.

Anyways, here we have Chocolate Chex: With a Touch of Cocoa. Does that mean that it's already chocolate chex and they added extra cocoa?

Whatever.

Honestly, it tastes like someone just took plain chex cereal and added a handful of rich, chocolaty, Ovaltine (hence the blog title).

The chocolate pieces stay noticeably crunchy in milk while the plain pieces sog at a regular pace which is not bad at all.

Chocolate Chex is also about just sugary enough for sophisticated adults to eat as a guilty pleasure over the regular bland cereals I presume they eat regularly.

The best part of this cereal? Afterwards you get to drink chocolate milk!

Note that it does taste more like cocoa than chocolate so maybe the label on the box is correct and just missing a coma or two.

Really, if it has cocoa in it, doesn't that mean it's given that the product is chocolaty? Then again, Chocolate Chex: With Added Cocoa does sound better than simply Chex With Cocoa which leads me to believe I'm done complicating this.

Limited Edition: Spider Man 3 Cereal!!!

I picked this up a couple of weeks ago for about 2 dollars. It's Spider Man!!! If this isn't as exciting as cereal gets, I'm not sure what is.



In addition to pimping out the Spider Man license to established brands of cereal, General Mills went and gave Spidey his own "Lightly Sweetened Fruity Corn Puffs" cereal available for a limited time. I remember when the Ninja Turtles movie, either 1 or 2 came out, there was a promotional cereal that was essentially lucky charms but with Ninja Turtle shapes. My parents caved in and bought it for me. After that, I always wanted to have Ninja Turtle cereal again but didn't quite grasp the concept of "limited time only".

Well, I'm 21 years old now and I think I can spot these sweet opportunities when they come around.

Just looking at the box, you could conclude a couple of things. 1) That Spider Man has taken a break from fighting crime to steal the photographer's most important meal of the day right from under her/him. Or 2) that the thick ass "milk" in the bowl and that strange white fluid coming out of Spidey's suit are somehow related. Eew. Or some combination of the 2.

The actual cereal is just Kix but with sugar/food dye. You know how Mom and Dad are suppose to approve of Kix because there's no sugar added, it's just naturally sweet? Well this is what Kix would be like if the kids got their way.


I didn't get the color scheme until I poured myself bowl and it screamed SPIDER MAN to my face. Maybe the white stuff in the bowl on the cover clouded my interpretation.

Other than that, it's interesting to note the "puzzle" on the side is the Spider Man version of shoving a square peg into the round hole. Can you match up 3 entirely different photos that have been ripped in half? I mean come on! If kids are old enough to feed themselves, they could solve this in 10 seconds tops. Way to lower the bar and give the kids a false sense of accomplishment General Mills.